The relationship management is an area of life where several dimensions of human behaviour are handled and validated – obviously it’s a highly subjective topic. Needless to say – everyone has his own opinions- and that’s cool too! I do have my own opinions as well. I will put some of my (more of gender neutral) understandings here. But before I put my thoughts- the most important dating advice must be emphasized and reiterated – I’ll name it the Rule Number 1.
The Rule Number 1
We are all law abiding citizens – in no case we are going to touch the law of land. Any violation of law must be dealt firmly as per the procedures established by law. No exceptions! The interpretations of the Rule Number 1 may vary – but none of our actions, in any form, ought to suggest violating the law! Since the law is aimed at general human welfare, don’t touch the law – respect the law! This applies to all of us, including me, this website, you, and all – no one is above the law! I will often refer to it as the Rule Number 1.
The right mind-set
The most important quality that you need to get right in order to handle a relationship is the right mind-set. Right mind-set comes from field experience. For example, you have to come out of your comfort zone, meet people, interact with them, test the successes and failures, go through the evolutionary process, etc. No amount of only theory classes will get you there.
Are you liked less?
In any relation, there is one person who is liked less! You definitely don’t want to be the person who is liked less. What’s the reason for being liked less? Over pursuing- obsessing too much on one person. Don’t sell yourself too early! Let the chemistry develop naturally rather than trying to make things happen all the time.
The Character Certificate
You don’t need a Character Certificate from every Tom, Dick, and Harry (as long as you abide by the Rule Number 1, of course). As a corollary, you don’t have to give a Character Certificate to every Tom, Dick, and Hary. No need to volunteer for awarding free certificates! Mind your business.
Paying for a relationship
You won’t be paying to earn a relationship – that means
- You won’t pay in cash – I am not a huge fan of a paid relationship/sex.
- Don’t pay in kind (buying house, flat)
- You won’t do unnecessary promises and give idiotic commitments
I am not a huge fan of a paid relationship/sex. If someone is manipulating to pay for a relationship, they are likely to be the so called gold-diggers. You’d rather identify the gold-diggers – and kick them out of your life before life backfires you. Neither you will exploit someone, nor will you get exploited.
Gossip keels a relationship
Gossip sucks. Stop it out rightly! The more you hang out with the same set of people, the more gossip. I suggest you continually enhance your social circles. Keep meeting new people –attend events, parties, social gatherings etc.
Over- and underestimating
Don’t overestimate anyone, don’t underestimate anyone, treat humans like human – and that’s the way to move forward in life. Men and women naturally get attracted to each other – you don’t have to go through some sort of a game to attract someone.
Be rational about relationship management
Don’t invest your most precious resources (e.g. time) in something with a very short self-life (e.g. physical beauty). Don’t compromise your studies, career, hobbies, etc. while chasing someone who has no interest in you. The means and ends correspondence needs to be assessed regularly.
Look for an expert advice
If you have any doubt or question about the Chemistry discipline, you need to find a person who knows Chemistry – so that they can guide you with their experiences with Chemistry discipline. If you need some help in mathematics, you need suggestions from a person who is expert in mathematics. Similarly, if you have issues in relationship– look for someone who is experienced in relationship, who has gone through ups and downs of relationships, who has tested both successes and failures.
Not the one who has always been single. Not the one who just met someone and got married – such persons are likely to get you in more trouble – which is fine if that’s what you wanted.
For example, suppose I like a girl, but there is some issue and things are not moving forward. So whom do I contact in case I need suggestions? Usually I won’t be looking for an advice from a girl. Not because of gender, but because a girl has not tried to find a relationship with another girl (I am assuming heterosexual scenario 🙂 ). Chances are that a girl has not invited another girl for a date. So how can a girl advice about, say, dealing with flakes on a date? It’s plain and simple – look for suggestions/tips from someone who is experienced with similar situations.
Enjoy the process
Don’t always think about staying single or getting married– there is way too much in between as well. If you have missed the dynamics of this middle road, you have already sacrificed a lot and probably reached a point from where there may be difficult to return. Think about learning and evolving as a human being thereby preparing you for a better life ahead.
Personal freedom
At any stage of a relationship, you have a right to “move on”- in a legal, legitimate and dignified way. Personal freedom is important as well, not just political freedom. Don’t compromise on personal freedom. It’s a bit surprising that human always fights for political freedom, while usually compromising personal freedom. For example, continuing a relationship (owing to social pressure) with someone you don’t actually want to. Such cases are widely prevalent in Asia.
Develop strong radar
You have to have strong radar– to find persons who have similar interest as you! Otherwise, keep beating the dead horse. The radar comes from going through the evolutionary processes.
The evolutionary process
To have a healthy and meaningful life which is away from unnecessary frustrations, you have to go through the evolutionary process. Keep evolving with time (and do remember the Rule number 1). You might suck at relationship initially, but a few years down the line you won’t be the same person again.
Never dated?
If you are reaching 30, and have never dated anyone (but you wanted to), there is something seriously wrong with you! Find it and work it out.
Dating an experienced guru
I personally prefer to be with an experienced girl. It’s perfectly fine if the girl I like had boyfriend(s) before. In fact, if a 25 year old girl tells me that she has never dated, I will think twice before going on a date with her – forget about wining and dining her. The point is – she has to go through a lot of evolutionary process, and I don’t want to be part of this (partially because of my busy schedule). If you have time, interest, etc. you can think otherwise. I have similar suggestions for girls as well – look for an experienced guy. The keyword is – “experienced”.
Ask right questions, and answer them too
When a couple gets married, they marry the best person they can marry. However, the divorce rates are in general increasing all around the world – suggesting that the person someone (who is going through divorce) married was probably not the best person. So what goes wrong? Have you asked such questions before? If yes, are you sure you know the answer? Obviously, if you are going for divorce, at the time of marriage you didn’t have enough experience to assess dynamics of a relationship. You were probably not evolved.
Relationship management is different
A person may be highly competent in many dimensions of life (such as career, education, sports, etc.), but he/she may still perform badly in terms of relationship management. History is full of such examples. Check out personal lives (wiki can also help) of Nelson Mandela, Tiger woods, Mel Gibson – just to name a few. 🙂
Text messages
When you exchange text messages, don’t keep communication gap. If you are not interested in something (say for a meet up), you can always say “No” in a polite way, you can be firm though. If you reply me after a day, and even if the answer is “Yes”, I know it’s going to be over soon. So the chances are high that I will just move on. Moreover, during a text message exchange, avoid saying “Ok”; you rather can say “Alright”. You should never say “K”, and absolutely never write in all caps – “I AM FINE”.
Keep your cool, always!
Reward good behaviour, and ignore bad behaviour. Things often go wrong, but you should keep your cool. No need to panic. Always keep your cool – that’s the key to a relationship management. For example, if someone flakes on you for a meet up, don’t lose your composure. Of course, after a certain amount of threshold has been crossed, you can just move on. I will elaborate more about moving on in a future post.
Likelihood of success
As you will evolve trough the dynamics of relationships, you will have broadly two types of people in your dating life
- The training set – where you have failed or succeeded
- The testing set – where are expecting to succeed
In order to maximize your likelihood of success in the future, you really need to have an awesome training set. That’s how you will learn to calibrate yourself in a new upcoming situation (the test set). In mathematics we call it Maximum Likelihood Estimation.
Naïve vs Innocent vs simple
Well, these terms are very different and you need to distinguish among them. You need to know the kind of person you are dealing with. Getting into a relationship with a naïve person is bound to bring an insurmountable amount of trouble. In order to get smart in life, associate yourself with smart people! Play a smart opponent, not the naïve one. Relationship management is a whole lot to do with finding right person.
That’s all for this post on relationship management. Hope now you will understand the Rule number 1 better.
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Hope it helps!
Last updated: Saturday, September 16, 2017