Are you single again? Do you need dating and relationship advice? Don’t worry, you are not alone out over there. Let me provide you a basic relationship counselling and ideas to broaden your thought process about the relationship dynamics.
Men always need Dating and Relationship Advice
Over a period of time, I am of the mind that men always have issues with relationships. They always need some kind of relationship counselling. Sometimes a girl didn’t reply a text; sometime she flaked, or worse, dumped him. There is always something that’s not working, and has to be fixed. To name a few, Tiger Woods, Mel Gibson, etc. is just a couple of examples. They are powerful and rich guys, but in no way the relationship experts. Not to mention, some of them are single again, often looking for the dating and relationship advice. 🙂
Understand human evolution
The human evolution has been happening since time immemorial. The evolution has two broad components
- Physical evolution (e.g. quadruple motion to bipedal motion), and
- Mental evolution (e.g. growth of scientific ideas)
You may not notice the physical evolution within a span of a few decades (as it’s not a long enough period of time for the physical evolution to happen). However, as long as you are learning and keep working out on your shortcomings, you can sense the mental evolution within a span of a few days, sometimes within a few seconds.
relationship counselling and Evolution
The process of mental evolution is applicable to the relationship aspects of life as well. Both men and women learn various dimensions of the relationship skills. However, I feel that the way men and women learn about the relationship is rather not the same. Let me explain with a couple of examples.
The Approach Mechanism
Let’s briefly look at the men’s relationship learning voyage. When a guy (say Mr. YY) is around 18 or so, he virtually has no dating skills – he doesn’t know how to talk to a girl, he doesn’t know how to connect with a girl, how to invite them for a date, etc. – forget about the dynamics beyond. 🙂 He tries to set up a date every now and then, but fails, and fails miserably. Mr. YY often looks for relationship counselling with the experts. He is advised to move on (sometime after wasting a considerable amount of time), tries his fate with some other girl and fails again. The terrain appears to be the toughest. Although he occasionally tastes successes, he has witnessed more of failures. By the time Mr. YY reaches 25, he has been rejected by way too many girls.
However, in due course, Mr. YY had started learning from his mistakes. Things start changing. And gradually he gets good at relationship skills. Now he knows how to approach and talk to a girl, how to connect with them, how to go on dates, how to dress well, etc. Now Mr. YY is able to work out successful dates, he can get into a relationship more comfortably than before. In terms of relationship skills, a 25 year old Mr. YY is obviously much more experienced and mentally evolved man than an 18 year old Mr. YY.
I call this whole process as the evolution of an approach mechanism. I mean a 25 year old guy has much improved approach mechanism (with respect to girls) as compared to an 18 year old guy.
The better approach mechanism a guy has, the better he gets with relationship- and as a corollary, the better he gets along the way, the better approach mechanism he has.
A guy with way more options in his dating life gets praise even from girls – because he has worked out his approach mechanism. Now he can provide relationship counselling to the other guys.
So as a guy, you shouldn’t worry too much about your failures, rather you’d keep learning from mistakes. In future, you’ll be an expert in bypassing the filtering mechanism (discussed below). For now you’ve better skills, your probability of meeting your dream girl would be even better in near future.
The Filtering mechanism
Now, let’s look at the evolution of a girl’s dating skills. The evolution seems to be happening on a quite different track altogether. The terrain is tough here as well – in different ways though.
For example, when a girl (say Ms. XX) is 18, there are way too many guys trying to approach her every now and then. They try to get her phone number, invite here for a date, give her compliments, etc.! Ms. XX is too busy dealing with too much of not necessarily sought after attention. She gradually realises that most of the guys are similar, if not the same. 🙂
I read somewhere that by the time a girl reaches 18 years of age; she has already received nearly 9500 compliments from guys. You may disagree with this figure (as I do, obviously). However, the point is – a girl simply has too many guys around. As a result, she starts rejecting guys from the very beginning. She rejects a new guy every now and then.
As the time passes, she becomes an expert in rejecting the guys. I call it filtering mechanism – bad guys will be kicked out. Here bad guy doesn’t necessarily mean a criminal; it is just reflecting a guy who hasn’t worked out the aforementioned approach mechanism. In similar circumstances, a 25 year girl is likely to reject a bad guy much faster than a 20 year old girl!
Did you ever come across a case where if a girl is seen to be dating a bad boyfriend? What does it mean? How come a girl dates a bad guy if she was an expert at filtering bad guys?
To me it seems that she couldn’t filter him out- her filtering mechanism hasn’t evolved yet to the extent required. So if a girl is seen to be spending time with a Mr. Bad, even girls may question her.
Selection and rejection process
Did you notice the interesting point in the above relationship dynamic? Well, a guy is learning how to select a girl (selection process), a girl is learning how to reject a guy (rejection process). So despite a girl rejecting hundreds of guys, she may still not be able to select the right guy.
Are you still with me? Glad you do!
The reason being that she didn’t practice the selection process (given the hundreds of guys were all the times hovering around her from the very beginning).
For example, say 100 guys are approaching a girl; she rejects 99 out of 100, and gets into a relationship with Mr. 100.
The issue here is that she is not selecting the 100th guys, it’s rather the fact that she is failing to reject the 100th guy. I am sure had this Mr. 100 also behaved like creepy, and desperate (like his 99 predecessors might have), he might also have gotten kicked out. A girl would probably prefer to be single again than to be with an idiot/creepy/jerk – as you name the predecessors. However, Mr. 100 might have worked out his skills and probably managed to cross the strong filtering mechanism of this girl.
Single Again, what’s the problem?
The problem here is – in due course of the relationship with Mr. 100, maybe the girl will uncover actual problems– and the new drama would begin. This is how we see we see relationship breakups, divorces, etc. after such breakups; both partners may prefer to stay single again, at least for a while. Of course, there can be more factors responsible for a breakdown of a relationship as the issue is highly subjective (Dating and relationship advice for dealing with a breakup or divorce). I’ll talk more in the upcoming posts.
That’s it for this post on relationship counselling. After all these dating and relationship advice, I sincerely hope to not see you guys single again.
Got queries? Cool. Feel free to post in our forum so that others could also contribute and learn. Let’s build a healthy community. 🙂
For regular updates, like us on Facebook!
If you find the dating and relationship advice useful, buy me a beer! 🙂
You may want to check out my other posts about the Relationship Dynamics. You can also refer to my posts on travelling, or find more about me.
Happy evolving. 🙂
Last updated: Saturday, September 16, 2017